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That First Visit
Many people feel resistant to considering an adult day program. This is true for both the potential participant and for his or her family members. Once participants have been in the program for a few weeks and get used to a new routine, most people love the program.
The first visit to an adult day program can feel traumatic for both the potential attendee and his or her caregiver, because it's unfamiliar territory. It's true that this is new for both of you, and if you're already stressed and worried, it could feel like "one more thing to deal with." In fact, an adult day program could be a way for you to have many fewer things to deal with on a regular schedule. It's getting started that can be (but doesn't have to be) difficult.
To help you introduce the idea of Adult Day Services, we have compiled a list of common concerns and suggested responses. There are special considerations when the person you care for has dementia to such an extent that she or he cannot reasonably be expected to make decisions in her / his own interest. See When Dementia is Involved, below.
CONCERN
He's doing pretty well right now, does he need Adult Day Services yet?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
He might enjoy it, which is reason enough. If he is fiercely independent, let him know that attending a program will help him maintain or even improve his health, offering perhaps the best protection available for his independence.
CONCERN
My wife says she doesn't need to go, that she is happy just being at home with me. What should I say?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
You might say "I love having you here, but I think you need more activities and things to look forward to. I see how bored you get here at home. Also, I need to have time to shop and meet my friends. I know you are bored with my activities, and it is important for me to be able to do these things."
CONCERN
I'm worried that she won't stay at the center when we arrive.
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
The professional staff at Adult Day Services programs work wonders helping visitors to feel at home and getting them involved.
CONCERN
She says "I used to help other people, I don't need them helping me."
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Let her know she can still help people. There are a many ways to be of service to others in the program. Wouldn't it be nice to feel useful again?
CONCERN
I doubt if I can get Dad to go along with this.
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Just "check it out" as a nice outing. Go look, and see for yourselves what it's all about. You might be surprised by his reaction, particularly if he's been spending a lot of time home alone watching TV. There's a lot going on at these programs.
CONCERN
My mom says "Next you'll be putting me in a nursing home."
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Your mom is expressing a fear that she is not in control. Assure her that this is an option for her to think about, not an ultimatum. "A nursing home is not what you need now. This program will help you stay healthy and active, and help us avoid needing a nursing home. You can attend the program during the day and still be home with us in the evening."
When Dementia is Involved
CONCERN
She's doing pretty well right now, does she need Adult Day Services yet?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
It is critically important to introduce her to a program now, while she is still receptive to change, able to recall faces and has communication skills. People with dementia become more fearful of change in the later stages.
CONCERN
When I talk about visiting the center, Mom refuses to go. What should I do?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Don't invite resistance by insisting on talking about it. Wait until the morning of your visit, get up, get dressed and ready, and go. Be upbeat and relaxed, and talk about the drive. This will help to defuse the fear of going to a new place.
CONCERN
What can he get out of it if he can't remember anything?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Being with friends, busy and engaged, improves his quality of life, and will help him feel contented. This feeling can outlast memory.
CONCERN
My husband says "Quit work and take care of me." What do I say?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Say "I wish it were possible. I also know how bored you would get with just me everyday. I know that they have lots of exciting activities and projects for you at the program."
CONCERN
She wanders a lot. How do I know she'll be safe, that she won't just walk out?
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Program staff are accustomed to working with people with dementia and well aware of the safety issues involved. Some programs have door alarms, or silent alarms attached to attendees' name tags. Discuss your concerns directly with program staff.
CONCERN
When I try to talk about it, we get into an argument.
SUGGESTED RESPONSE
Don't argue. Try changing the subject and starting over later.
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