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Building Communication

When a family member or friend steps in to assist someone who needs help due to age-related conditions or disabilities, conflict can emerge. Frequently, individuals disagree about what is the right decision and who is running the show.

Buy In
Think about what role the person you are assisting can play in developing the plan for his or her care. Remember that few of us will "buy into" something we've had no part in creating. Involve him or her in conversations about the future, ask questions, discover preferences, allay fears. Even older adults with memory loss should be included in these discussions; the fact that you involved them will be remembered on some level.

Remember that your loved one may be coping with his or her own issues -- for example, the loss of a spouse or friends, decreasing abilities, loss of independence, loneliness. It's important to allow time for these changes to be processed, to help the person to do as much as possible for herself or himself.

Talking Together
Communication can be challenging in a time of decisions and changes. Here are some suggestions to help you talk with the person you are caring for:

• Hold discussions in a quiet setting at a time of day that is best for him or her.
• Listen. Effective communication requires listening to and acknowledging opinions and feelings.
• Stay positive and use constructive suggestions.
• Provide accurate information.
• Avoid making promises you can't keep.
• Allow time for processing the information; don't rush to a decision.
• Share your own feelings.

Danger vs. Lifestyle Choices
Even if you have involved the person you are caring for in the process, it might be impossible to agree on a course of action. In this case, it is important to separate thoughts about "quality of life" from those about risk and danger. You might conclude that you are not comfortable with the person's choice, but that it poses no significant risk to himself or others. If this is how you feel, communicate your concerns, but accept that your loved one is ultimately in charge of his or her own life.

If you think that your loved one is at risk, elicit the assistance of a physician, case manager, clergy or Adult Day Services professional who can offer an independent assessment and discuss options. Sometimes an outsider can be more objective and have more influence.

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